Listening Opend the Gates to Creative Problem Solving by Christie Humel .......................................................................................................

Every story of conflict in the workplace is a story of not listening.

So says Alexander Hiam, co-author of Think Before You Speak and the developer of Assessing Behavior in Conflict and numerous other training tools and techniques. "Conflict resolution skills are absolutely vital to a succesful work environment and to be a successful manager," says Hiam. He says managers must model good conflict-handling skills, so that others will pick on and apply conflict management skills in their own interactions.

Conflict resolution skills are probably the most important hidden factor driving success as a leader, teambuilder, alliance builder, and creative problem solver, Hiam says. Here are Hiam's rules for developing conflict management skills:

• Don't be afraid of conflict. When interests collide, a barrier is created. Don't ignore these barriers; find ways to overcome them.
  
  
• Don't avoid, accommodate, compromise or compete of a conflict arise. Instead find a collaborative way to meet both of your needs. That means listening and exploring the problem, then co-creating new and better options.
  
  
• Clarify the behavior that is causing the conflict.
  
  
• Use lots of open, ended, sympathetic questions to probe for the underlying causes of the conflict.
  
  
• Separate those causes out in your mind and focus on the ones that are productive from a business perspective.
  
  
• Don't focus on blame-game explanations or on views of the conflict that portray the participants as victims.
  
  
• Probe for aspects of the situation that participants can control.
  
  
• Don't use irritating words and phrases. Delete any language that automatically makes the other person's emotional defense kick in. You want to invite thoughtful dialogue, not slam doors.
  
  
• Don't start sentences with "You". Instead say "I feel", or "How do you feel about this?"
  
  
• Stay away from using "never" and "always". These words can irritate.
  
  
• Ask more than tell; listen more than speak.

Hiam cautions against getting caught up in emotional responses. Ask questions like: "What do you think we can do to resolve this?" and "How else can we communicate with each other?" Asking questions like these will keep negative emotions from spiraling out of control. "Emotional reactions can cause a defensive spiral so that each side thinks the other is attacking and feels that it is necessary to attack back," says Hiam. "People are hostile if they think others have been hostile to them, so often we need to break that cycle and counter hostility with consideration."

"Show an interest in how someone feels, even if you can't fix the problem," says Hiam. "Being friendly and helpful spreads positive feelings, which defuse and transform negative attitudes and hostility." "You can resolve the substance of the conflict until people issues are taken care of," Hiam says. "For example, how can a product development team possibly come up with a winning design if the members are bickering over turf issues? The best conflict resolutions explore the problem thoroughly and then redefine it."

The key, Hiam adds, is to listen to everyone's perspective unemotionally and impartially. Use an inviting, friendly body posture, and wear a polite facial expression. Ask caring questions. Ultimately, the root of the conflict will emerge, and a solution will be found.

Hiam counsels managers to devote at least ten minutes a day to studying conflict management, leadership, listening, or teamwork skills. He also suggests devoting one staff meeting to taking a quick self-assessment of conflict styles. Then discuss the results, and analyze how one style can clash with another.